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Understanding Disorganised Attachment in Adults Disorganised attachment is often described as contradictory, as though it's simply a pattern of mixed signals. Wanting closeness and then pushing it away. Or, seeking reassurance and then feeling irritated by it - maybe withdrawing just as contact begins to feel real. From the outside (even to ourselves), this can look confusing, but from the inside, it can feel deeply distressing. There is often a genuine longing for intimacy,

For many people, the hardest part of anxiety is not actually living with it through the day but being alone with it at night. Days are often relatively steadier as we are occupied; work distracts us, conversations take us out of our own minds, and responsibilities give shape to the hours. But when evening comes and things grow quiet, the mind begins to anticipate a different challenge altogether - what if I don’t sleep? For some, this question carries more weight than the ev

Many people who struggle with anxiety describe a childhood that, on the surface, appeared fairly ordinary. There may not have been a single defining event, at least not one that was named as serious at the time by adults. Yet there may have been raised voices behind doors, arguments that were quickly minimised, or moments that felt frightening but were later treated as ordinary. The atmosphere could shift without explanation, leaving a sense of something unsettled, inconsiste

Philip Larkin doesn’t ease you into This Be The Verse . He starts with a line that lands like a punch. Once read, it’s hard to forget, and most people know exactly what he means, even if they don’t like the way he says it. What the poem names, without apology, is the way damage moves through families. It starkly and concisely names how parents are shaped by their own histories, their own limitations, and their own unfinished pain. Larkin doesn’t bother softening this. He seem

Some people experience life with a heightened level of awareness. They notice subtle changes in mood, take in sensory detail quickly, and tend to reflect carefully on what they experience. This way of being often goes unnamed for a long time. You may sense that you respond differently to the world, without quite knowing how to understand it or explain it. Psychologist Elaine Aron described this temperament as high sensitivity (see her work on: https://hsperson.com/ ). Around

I don't think there is any feeling in my work that is more pervasive or stubborn than the belief, “I am not good enough.” Sometimes this belief sits close to the surface, showing up as self-criticism, low confidence, or a tendency to prioritise others. At other times, it is carefully hidden behind competence, independence, or being the one who copes. Anxiety and depression frequently become the doorway through which this belief begins to be explored. They can act as a form of

Many of us come to therapy because we notice the same patterns repeating in our lives. This might include recurring relationship difficulties, familiar emotional reactions, or a sense of getting stuck in similar situations despite reflection and effort. “Why does this always happen to me?” can be something we ruminate on. One reason certain patterns can feel so persistent is that many of them are relational; they developed through early and ongoing relationships and tend to b

Feeling like a burden to others is a deeply painful and often hidden experience. For many people, this belief does not arise when they are alone, but within close relationships. It can show up just as care is offered, when support is available, or when vulnerability might deepen connection. At these moments, an internal voice may quietly say, “I should not need this,” or “They already have enough to deal with.” This response is a meaningful adaptation shaped by earlier relati

In therapy, people often say they want more intimacy. What they usually describe, though, is a wish for closeness. More time together. Fewer silences. Less distance. A sense of being on the same page. Closeness matters as it helps us feel safe, connected, and soothed. It is built through reliability, shared routines, emotional availability, and knowing that someone will be there when we reach out. But intimacy is something a little different. Esther Perel speaks about intimac

Many people come to therapy feeling caught in an ongoing internal pressure about what they should be doing. Shoulds often sound sensible on the surface. I should cope better. I should be more productive. I should not feel like this. Yet over time, these internal rules can become exhausting and quietly disconnecting. Rather than guiding us, they often pull us away from our own lived experience. In my work, I often notice that when someone begins to soften their grip on should,

For many people, Christmas is described as a time of joy, connection and celebration. Yet in therapy rooms all over the world, a very different story often appears. Instead of comfort, the season can bring loneliness, pressure, exhaustion or a sense of emotional overwhelm. If this is your experience, you are far from alone. The Pressure to Feel Happy at Christmas Mental health organisations regularly highlight that Christmas can intensify difficult feelings. The pressure to f

Listening to Grief Grief has a way of reaching into every part of us. It touches the body, the mind, and our relationships. It is not just a single emotion, but a complex process that unfolds over time. When we grieve, we are experiencing the body’s and mind’s way of responding to loss, and although it can feel unbearable, grief is part of being human. When the World Feels Different Many people describe grief as disorienting. The world can feel strange, as if the ground benea

Most of us know that voice inside that says we should be doing better, that we’ve said the wrong thing, or that we’ll never quite get it right. It can sound familiar, almost like an internal narrator keeping us in line. For many, this voice has been with us for so long that it feels like the truth. Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach describes this inner critic as a voice from the past.  Often, it echoes early experiences where we learned to doubt or protect oursel

Anger often gets a bad reputation. Many of us have been taught to see it as something to control, suppress, or feel ashamed of. But from a nervous system perspective, anger is energy which gives us crucial information; it’s your body’s way of saying, “Something doesn’t feel right here.” Anger need not be a 'negative emotion' to avoid or feel shame about feeling, but a physiological state to be looked after in the moment. It’s part of the body’s built-in survival system that e

Our nervous system is like an internal communication network, constantly scanning the world for signals of safety or danger. Most of the time, it operates quietly in the background, but when it perceives a threat, it can take over, shaping how we feel, think, and relate to others. The Autonomic Nervous System The autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates involuntary functions such as heartbeat, breathing, digestion, and even pupil size. It has two main branches: Sympathetic Ne

During this year's Transform Trauma world conference in Oxford, Daniel Siegel (neuroscientist and author) said: “It looks like love is the fabric of the universe.”  At first listen, this sounded to me beautifully poetic, almost spiritual. But Siegel is speaking from decades of research into the brain, attachment, and human relationships. So what does it really mean? And why does it matter for our wellbeing, especially when we’re navigating trauma, stress, or disconnection? Wh

When we go through overwhelming experiences, it is not only our emotions that are affected. Trauma shapes how our brain works, how we relate to others, and how we experience ourselves. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist and pioneer in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, has written widely about how our brains develop in the context of relationships and how trauma can disrupt this integration. At the heart of Siegel’s work is the idea that the mind, brain, and relationships are d

Some words have a way of cutting straight through the noise, landing in the body before the mind even works them out. It was never yours to carry  is one of those phrases for me. So many of us move through life weighed down by things that don’t truly belong to us. A parent’s unspoken expectations. The responsibility of keeping the peace in a chaotic home. The shame or guilt that was passed down through generations. The pressure to be perfect, to succeed, to take care of every

Growth is often spoken about as if it is a straightforward path. Work hard, push yourself, and you will improve. But when we look more closely, real growth has less to do with effort and more to do with honesty. It is about how much of our own truth we can face without immediately turning away. For many people, it feels easier to avoid certain parts of themselves. We all have protective strategies: distraction, minimising, perfectionism, or focusing only on others. These stra

Why Thinking Alone Cannot Solve Anxiety We often subconsciously hold the belief that if we can just think enough, analyse enough, or get to the bottom of every thought, we will finally feel calm. Many of my clients share how they spend hours inside their own minds, trying to solve anxiety by replaying scenarios, checking, planning, or rehearsing. It can feel as if thinking harder should give us control. The difficulty is that anxiety is not simply a problem of faulty thinking