Understanding Your Nervous System: Why Anxiety Shows Up and How It Affects Relationships

Our nervous system is like an internal communication network, constantly scanning the world for signals of safety or danger. Most of the time, it operates quietly in the background, but when it perceives a threat, it can take over, shaping how we feel, think, and relate to others.

The Autonomic Nervous System

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates involuntary functions such as heartbeat, breathing, digestion, and even pupil size. It has two main branches:

Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS): This acts as the body’s alarm system. When a threat is perceived, the SNS triggers the fight-or-flight response. Stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol are released, the heart rate rises, muscles tense, and senses sharpen, preparing the body for immediate action.

Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS): Known as the “rest and digest” system, the PNS slows the heart, relaxes muscles, and restores energy. It is essential for recovery, healing, and emotional regulation. The PNS includes the vagus nerve, which supports social connection. When active, we feel calmer, more open, and better able to engage with others, a principle central to polyvagal theory.

When the Nervous System Overreacts: Anxiety

Sometimes the nervous system misinterprets safe situations as threats, leading to anxiety. Essentially, this is the SNS remaining in overdrive. Common signs include:

• Racing heart or shallow breathing

• Muscle tension or restlessness

• Gastrointestinal discomfort

• Difficulty concentrating or feeling “on edge”

Chronic activation can alter brain circuits, particularly in the amygdala, which detects threats, and the hippocampus, which stores memories. This explains why anxiety often feels automatic and difficult to control.

How This Shows Up in Relationships

Our nervous systems are deeply social. We are wired to pick up on the emotional and physiological states of those around us, which means that stress and anxiety can ripple through relationships. This process, called co-regulation, can either help us feel safe and supported or, if both partners are dysregulated, intensify anxiety and tension.

For example, when one partner is anxious, their rapid breathing, tense posture, or restless movements can trigger the other partner’s sympathetic nervous system, even if there is no actual danger present. This can lead to a cycle where both partners’ anxiety escalates, making conflicts feel more intense and harder to resolve.

Conversely, a partner who is regulated and present can act as a stabilising force. Their calm voice, grounded presence, and slow breathing can cue safety in the nervous system, helping the other person settle. In therapy, we explore these dynamics using somatic awareness -noticing subtle physical signals such as tight shoulders, shallow breath, or racing heart - and learning strategies to self-regulate before responding.

Awareness of your own nervous system can also improve communication. When you notice tension building, you can pause, breathe, and check in with yourself before reacting. This allows you to respond from a place of regulation rather than impulse, reducing misunderstandings and fostering deeper connection.

In practice, this means developing skills such as:

• Recognising bodily cues: Noticing when your muscles tighten, your breath quickens, or your stomach feels uneasy.

• Co-regulating together: Learning to mirror or match a calm, grounding partner’s rhythm to settle your nervous system.

• Setting relational boundaries: Understanding when a partner’s anxiety triggers your own stress response and knowing when to take a pause.

By understanding the physical and emotional interplay between partners, you can create relationships that are more compassionate, resilient, and attuned - both to your own nervous system and to your partner’s.

Somatic Therapy: Healing Through the Body

Somatic therapy is a body-focused approach that recognises how past experiences, particularly trauma and stress, are stored in the body. Physical sensations and tension often reflect unresolved emotional experiences. By increasing awareness of these bodily sensations and responses, individuals can process and release stored tension, supporting emotional regulation and overall well-being.

In my therapy practice, I integrate somatic techniques to help clients understand and work with their nervous system, fostering a sense of safety, connection, and resilience.