Noticing Patterns in Therapy: How Repeating Relationship Patterns Begin to Change

Many of us come to therapy because we notice the same patterns repeating in our lives. This might include recurring relationship difficulties, familiar emotional reactions, or a sense of getting stuck in similar situations despite reflection and effort. “Why does this always happen to me?” can be something we ruminate on.

One reason certain patterns can feel so persistent is that many of them are relational; they developed through early and ongoing relationships and tend to become most visible not in isolation, but in connection with another person. This is why therapy can be such a powerful place for noticing what repeats.

How relational patterns show up in therapy

Relational psychoanalytic thinkers, along with Irvin Yalom, emphasised that psychological patterns are not simply internal personality traits, but ways of being with others that are learned over time and often operate outside conscious awareness.

Because of this, patterns are frequently enacted rather than described. In therapy, these patterns may begin to appear naturally within the therapeutic relationship itself. We may notice a fear of being judged, a tendency to please, difficulty expressing disagreement, or an urge to withdraw when something feels uncomfortable. At first, we might think that these feelings have something to do with the therapy itself or the therapist, but often they are familiar relational patterns finding expression in a new relationship.

The therapeutic relationship as a place of awareness

Yalom described therapy as a space where the 'here and now' becomes central. By this he meant that rather than only talking about past relationships, therapy allows repeating patterns to emerge in real time between therapist and client, which makes them easier to notice and explore.

What matters most is how these moments are acknowledged and explored together. In a relational approach, patterns are considered with curiosity and care rather than analysis from a distance. The therapist remains emotionally present and interested in understanding what is happening between you.

When a pattern is named gently and collaboratively, it often becomes less overwhelming. Something that once felt confusing or shameful can begin to make sense within a relational context.

The safety of exploring repeating patterns together

The therapeutic relationship offers consistency, boundaries, and an explicit focus on understanding - the safety of the relationship can differ from what many of us experience in our day-to-day lives. What can happen is that a space is created where patterns can be explored rather than defended against.

Many people have learned to adapt quickly in relationships to maintain connection or avoid rejection. In therapy, there is time to slow down and reflect as reactions can be noticed, spoken about, and understood together.

I believe that change happens through experience, and not through being guided and instructed. When someone has the experience of being met with interest rather than criticism, or acceptance rather than withdrawal, long-standing patterns can begin to soften as we can grow our ability to decide how to create our own change.

Relationship as part of the healing process

Through being in a relationship where patterns are noticed and held with care, people often develop a new relationship to their own emotional experience.

Over time, this awareness can extend beyond the therapy room when patterns that once felt automatic may become easier to recognise in everyday life. This recognition can create space for choice, allowing new ways of relating to feel more possible. I believe this is slow work, but pattern noticing can really transform us, just by beginning to have non-judgmental awareness of what we are playing out with others.