Patterns, Protection and Coping

Understanding Disorganised Attachment in Adults Disorganised attachment is often described as contradictory, as though it's simply a pattern of mixed signals. Wanting closeness and then pushing it away. Or, seeking reassurance and then feeling irritated by it - maybe withdrawing just as contact begins to feel real. From the outside (even to ourselves), this can look confusing, but from the inside, it can feel deeply distressing. There is often a genuine longing for intimacy,

For many people, the hardest part of anxiety is not actually living with it through the day but being alone with it at night. Days are often relatively steadier as we are occupied; work distracts us, conversations take us out of our own minds, and responsibilities give shape to the hours. But when evening comes and things grow quiet, the mind begins to anticipate a different challenge altogether - what if I don’t sleep? For some, this question carries more weight than the ev

Many of us come to therapy because we notice the same patterns repeating in our lives. This might include recurring relationship difficulties, familiar emotional reactions, or a sense of getting stuck in similar situations despite reflection and effort. “Why does this always happen to me?” can be something we ruminate on. One reason certain patterns can feel so persistent is that many of them are relational; they developed through early and ongoing relationships and tend to b

Feeling like a burden to others is a deeply painful and often hidden experience. For many people, this belief does not arise when they are alone, but within close relationships. It can show up just as care is offered, when support is available, or when vulnerability might deepen connection. At these moments, an internal voice may quietly say, “I should not need this,” or “They already have enough to deal with.” This response is a meaningful adaptation shaped by earlier relati

Many people come to therapy feeling caught in an ongoing internal pressure about what they should be doing. Shoulds often sound sensible on the surface. I should cope better. I should be more productive. I should not feel like this. Yet over time, these internal rules can become exhausting and quietly disconnecting. Rather than guiding us, they often pull us away from our own lived experience. In my work, I often notice that when someone begins to soften their grip on should,

For many people, Christmas is described as a time of joy, connection and celebration. Yet in therapy rooms all over the world, a very different story often appears. Instead of comfort, the season can bring loneliness, pressure, exhaustion or a sense of emotional overwhelm. If this is your experience, you are far from alone. The Pressure to Feel Happy at Christmas Mental health organisations regularly highlight that Christmas can intensify difficult feelings. The pressure to f

Anger often gets a bad reputation. Many of us have been taught to see it as something to control, suppress, or feel ashamed of. But from a nervous system perspective, anger is energy which gives us crucial information; it’s your body’s way of saying, “Something doesn’t feel right here.” Anger need not be a 'negative emotion' to avoid or feel shame about feeling, but a physiological state to be looked after in the moment. It’s part of the body’s built-in survival system that e

Some words have a way of cutting straight through the noise, landing in the body before the mind even works them out. It was never yours to carry  is one of those phrases for me. So many of us move through life weighed down by things that don’t truly belong to us. A parent’s unspoken expectations. The responsibility of keeping the peace in a chaotic home. The shame or guilt that was passed down through generations. The pressure to be perfect, to succeed, to take care of every

Growth is often spoken about as if it is a straightforward path. Work hard, push yourself, and you will improve. But when we look more closely, real growth has less to do with effort and more to do with honesty. It is about how much of our own truth we can face without immediately turning away. For many people, it feels easier to avoid certain parts of themselves. We all have protective strategies: distraction, minimising, perfectionism, or focusing only on others. These stra

Why Thinking Alone Cannot Solve Anxiety We often subconsciously hold the belief that if we can just think enough, analyse enough, or get to the bottom of every thought, we will finally feel calm. Many of my clients share how they spend hours inside their own minds, trying to solve anxiety by replaying scenarios, checking, planning, or rehearsing. It can feel as if thinking harder should give us control. The difficulty is that anxiety is not simply a problem of faulty thinking

Sometimes I notice my internal voice getting louder during particular times in my life. When it is constant and narrating every moment of my day, I can almost guarantee it will intensify at night. This is often when the brain decides it is time to sort through decades’ worth of memories and unfinished business. Many people describe this as overthinking, rumination, or intrusive thoughts. When the Internal Voice Gets Loud Intrusive thoughts and anxiety can feel like being caug

Perfectionism is often misunderstood as simply the drive to do things well. In therapy, perfectionism shows up more as a survival strategy. It is rooted in early experiences, shaped by relationships, and reinforced by cultural messages about worth and success. While some people describe themselves as “high achievers,” perfectionism is not the same as healthy ambition. Ambition can be flexible, adaptive, and connected to intrinsic motivation. Perfectionism is rigid, fuelled by

A smile is often read as a sign of happiness, warmth, or connection. Yet in clinical practice and research, it is clear that smiling does not always reflect how someone truly feels. Many people use a smile as a shield, concealing distress, despair, or exhaustion. Understanding this tendency can help us recognise the complexities of emotional life — both in ourselves and others. The Psychology of Emotional Masking Psychologist Paul Ekman, whose pioneering research on facial ex

The nervous system is wired for survival. When we encounter threat, our bodies instinctively move into protective responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These are not conscious choices but deeply rooted biological reactions. One of the most overlooked and misunderstood of these is the flight response , the drive to escape danger by moving, doing, or avoiding. For many trauma survivors, this response doesn’t stop when the threat is over. It becomes a way of being. What is

In any close relationship, moments of misunderstanding, tension, or emotional distance are inevitable. Whether in therapy, family life, or intimate partnerships, there will be times when we feel unseen, misunderstood, or misattuned. In psychotherapy, these moments are referred to as ruptures . A rupture might be small, such as someone missing an emotional cue, or more obvious, such as a disagreement or withdrawal. While many people worry that a rupture means the relationship

In Buddhist psychology, the root of suffering is often described as grasping  - the clinging to what we want, the resistance to what we don’t, and the struggle to control what is inherently impermanent. As Bhikkhu Bodhi (2000) explains, suffering arises not simply from pain itself, but from our relationship  to pain, our mental tightening around it. This ancient insight feels as true today as ever. Whether we’re clinging to a relationship, an identity, a belief, or a feeling,

Why Is Anxiety Worse at Night? Many people find that anxiety intensifies at night; just as the world quiets down, the mind grows louder. Without the distractions of the day, our thoughts can spiral, often toward fear, regret, or uncertainty. This experience isn’t just emotional, it’s biological. According to polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), when the nervous system doesn’t feel safe, it shifts into survival mode. At night, without daylight or activity to anchor us, our nervous

When we grow up in environments where instability is the norm, our nervous systems learn to adapt. In the absence of consistent care or predictable connection, we begin to draw our own conclusions about what love and safety feel like. We may learn, often without words, that intensity means closeness, that emotional unpredictability is just part of being in relationship, and that chaos is how love feels. These patterns are not choices. They are adaptations; ways our nervous sy