Understanding Shame and Guilt: A Guide for Your Inner Landscape

Shame and guilt are self-conscious emotions that often feel similar, but they have very different effects on our mental and emotional health. Understanding the difference can help us respond more kindly to ourselves and others. Here’s what research and therapeutic practice tell us about these powerful feelings, and how we can begin to work with them more gently.

1. Shame vs Guilt: What’s the Difference?

• Guilt is tied to something we’ve done or failed to do. It sounds like, “I did something bad.” This emotion often reflects our values and can motivate repair. Brené Brown describes guilt as adaptive and helpful because it encourages accountability and change.

• Shame, in contrast, targets the whole self. It says, “I am bad.” Rather than focusing on a particular action, shame speaks to our sense of worth. According to Brown, shame erodes our belief in belonging and love. It is a deeply isolating emotion that often leads to withdrawal and silence.

Psychological research supports this distinction. Guilt tends to lead people toward constructive action, while shame is more closely associated with depression, anxiety, and a tendency to disconnect from others.

2. Why Shame Can Hurt and Guilt Can Help

Shame rarely leads to meaningful change. It can paralyse us, feed cycles of self-criticism, and keep us from seeking support. When someone is overwhelmed by shame, they often avoid relationships, believing they are too flawed to be seen or helped.

Guilt, on the other hand, can be useful. It helps us recognise when our actions do not align with our values and gives us a nudge toward making things right. However, guilt must also be held with care. When carried too long or internalised too deeply, it can begin to feel like shame.

3. Moving Through Guilt Without Getting Stuck

Guilt becomes harmful when we hold onto it indefinitely. It may show up as rumination or as an ongoing sense of not being good enough, even after taking responsibility. In therapy, we often work with clients to:

• Acknowledge guilt without judgment. It is normal to feel regret. What matters is how we respond to it.

• Make amends where possible. Repair can be a healing act for both you and others involved.

• Let go when the lesson has been learned. Carrying guilt endlessly does not make you more accountable; it often just weighs you down.

• Recognise when guilt masks deeper feelings, such as fear or shame. Naming the emotion accurately opens the door to understanding and relief.

As Janina Fisher says, “Only when we are in a safe relationship can our defences relax and our true feelings emerge.” Therapy offers a space for this to happen gently and at your own pace.

4. Somatic Awareness: Listening to the Body

Shame and guilt are not just mental experiences. They live in the body. Shame may appear as a collapsed posture, heavy chest, or a sense of wanting to disappear. Guilt might feel like a tight throat, tense shoulders, or a fluttering stomach. In therapy, somatic approaches help clients tune into these sensations with curiosity rather than fear.

By working with the body, we can learn to regulate these emotional states and begin to trust that feelings can move through us, rather than define us.

5. Support in Practice

At my counselling practice in Horsham, I work with clients to gently untangle the stories and sensations of guilt and shame. Whether you are carrying regret, feeling stuck in old patterns, or unsure where your feelings are coming from, therapy can help you find clarity and compassion.

These emotions are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are messages that something inside is asking to be seen, understood, and cared for.

Key Takeaways

Emotion	Focus	Common Effects	Therapy Role
Guilt	Specific behaviour	Repair, connection, responsibility	Encourages accountability and growth
Shame	Self-worth	Withdrawal, isolation, self-blame	Signals a need for compassion and connection

If shame or guilt are showing up in your life, you do not need to face them alone. Therapy can offer a compassionate and grounded space to make sense of what you feel and move toward healing with gentleness and understanding.