The Psychology of Decision-Making: How Feeling Safe Helps You Tolerate Uncertainty

The capacity to make decisions depends on feeling safe enough to tolerate uncertainty.

Decision-Making Beyond Rationality

Decision-making is often described as a rational process, but psychology and clinical practice show it is also profoundly relational and embodied. Choices are not only about weighing pros and cons, but also about how safe we feel in the presence of uncertainty itself.

Attachment and a Secure Base

From an attachment perspective, when early caregivers provide consistent care and emotional attunement, a child develops what John Bowlby called a secure base. This foundation supports the ability to explore, try new things, and recover from mistakes. With this sense of security, uncertainty can be tolerated rather than experienced as overwhelming threat.

For those who grew up with less consistent or unpredictable care, uncertainty often feels riskier. When the nervous system associates not knowing with danger or rejection, decision-making can become fraught. Anxiety, indecision, or avoidance may emerge, not because a person is incapable of choosing, but because their body and mind have learned that uncertainty is unsafe. These patterns are protective adaptations, not personal failures.

The Role of the Nervous System

Interpersonal neurobiology, described by Dan Siegel, helps us understand this further. When the nervous system is in a regulated state, the brain’s prefrontal regions are more accessible, supporting reflection, planning, and flexible thinking. In contrast, when the nervous system is activated by fear or shutdown, decision-making narrows. The body may move into fight, flight, or freeze, making it harder to weigh options or feel confident about the outcome.

Therapy as a Space of Safety

Therapy can play an important role in supporting decision-making. A therapeutic relationship offers safety and regulation in the present. Through co-regulation, clients experience what it is like to feel steady with another person, which gradually becomes internalized as self-regulation.

By paying attention to the relational and somatic experience of decision-making, clients can begin to notice bodily cues of threat and gradually expand their capacity to stay grounded. Over time, this allows decisions to be made with greater awareness and less reliance on protective patterns such as avoidance, overthinking, or self-criticism.

Living With Uncertainty

This work is not about eliminating uncertainty. Uncertainty is part of being human. Instead, it is about cultivating the ability to hold uncertainty without becoming overwhelmed. From here, decisions can become opportunities to practice self-trust, to act in alignment with personal values, and to discover resilience in the face of not knowing.

A Reflective Practice for Decision-Making

Next time you are faced with a decision, pause before moving into problem-solving. Notice what happens in your body as you sit with the uncertainty. Do you feel tension, restlessness, or heaviness? Do you notice a pull toward immediate action or withdrawal?

See if you can take a few slow breaths, feel your feet on the ground, and remind yourself that uncertainty is not danger. From this steadier place, ask yourself: What matters most to me in this moment? What is the choice that honors that?

This simple practice can begin to shift decision-making away from urgency and fear, toward safety, self-awareness, and alignment.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

• Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind: Toward a Neurobiology of Interpersonal Experience. New York: Guilford Press.