The Only Constant in Life is Change: Psychology, Attachment and Growth

The phrase “The only constant in life is change” is often attributed to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Though it may sound simple, this truth has profound psychological implications. Change is unavoidable, yet many of us struggle to tolerate it. Whether it is a career shift, a relationship ending, or a stage of life transitioning, change can stir anxiety, grief, and resistance.

Understanding why change is difficult, and how therapy can help us move through it, is central to healing and growth.

Why Change Feels Difficult

Human beings are wired to seek safety and predictability. From a neuroscience perspective, the brain’s threat-detection system (the amygdala) is alert to uncertainty. Unpredictable situations activate the body’s stress response, creating feelings of unease or fear (LeDoux, 1996).

Attachment theory deepens this understanding. John Bowlby (1969) described how early relationships with caregivers shape our sense of safety. When these relationships are secure, we develop the capacity to adapt more flexibly to change. When they are insecure or unpredictable, change can feel threatening because it revives old fears of abandonment or instability.

Somatic psychology also reminds us that the body holds on to familiar patterns. Even when we desire change, the nervous system may resist, holding tension or falling back into protective responses.

The Window of Tolerance and Change

Daniel Siegel (1999, 2012) developed the concept of the Window of Tolerance, which describes the optimal zone of arousal in which we can manage life’s challenges without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

When we are inside the window, we can think clearly, regulate emotions, and stay present even in uncertainty. We may feel discomfort, but it is tolerable, and we remain able to reflect and respond rather than react.

When we move above the window, we enter hyperarousal. This is where anxiety, panic, intrusive thoughts, or agitation may take over. Change may feel threatening, and the nervous system moves into fight or flight.

When we fall below the window, we enter hypoarousal. This state is marked by numbness, withdrawal, shutdown, or dissociation. Change may feel overwhelming, so the system shuts down to cope.

Early attachment experiences and trauma shape the size of a person’s window. Some people develop a narrow window, meaning small changes push them into hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Others, with more secure experiences, develop a wider window that allows for more flexibility.

Therapy can widen the Window of Tolerance by helping individuals regulate their nervous system, process difficult experiences, and develop supportive relational patterns. In this way, clients gain greater capacity to stay present with change without being thrown into overwhelm.

Change as a Path to Growth

Despite its challenges, change is also the ground of growth. When we can remain within the Window of Tolerance, transitions become opportunities for learning and adaptation. Therapy helps to build this resilience by cultivating regulation, awareness, and safety.

Perfectionism and control often arise as defences against uncertainty. Yet paradoxically, striving for total control drains us of the very resources we need to thrive. As Oliver Burkeman (2023) writes in Meditations for Mortals, when we stop struggling to make everything perfect, we gain the energy and freedom to focus on what matters most.

The Role of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff’s (2003) research on self-compassion is especially relevant when we face change. Rather than meeting transition with criticism or fear, self-compassion allows us to respond with kindness, to remember that struggle is part of being human, and to stay present with what is unfolding.

Change will always involve uncertainty. What makes the difference is whether we meet that uncertainty from a place of safety and care, or from fear and resistance.

How Therapy Can Help with Change

Therapy offers a relational space in which change can be explored at a manageable pace. Through a combination of psychodynamic reflection and somatic awareness, therapy helps clients:

• Notice the body’s responses to change

• Understand how early attachment experiences shape current reactions

• Build the capacity to tolerate uncertainty

• Widen their Window of Tolerance

• Develop self-compassion as an antidote to perfectionism and fear

In this way, therapy is not about eliminating change or controlling every outcome, but about expanding our ability to move through transitions with steadiness and trust.

Heraclitus was right: the only constant in life is change. Although change can feel destabilising, it also creates the possibility for healing, growth, and transformation. With the right support, we can learn not only to tolerate change but to find meaning within it.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

• Burkeman, O. (2023). Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What (and Who) Really Matters. London: Vintage.

• LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain. New York: Simon & Schuster.

• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

• Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind: Toward a Neurobiology of Interpersonal Experience. New York: Guilford Press.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.